Let’s talk about anger.
How do you feel about anger?
What do you believe about anger?
How do you express anger?
My guess is that when you think anger, it looks a little like this guy from Inside Out:
As kids it makes sense that our anger looks like this, because we lack the ability to regulate our emotions. We need our caregivers to teach us how to manage our anger and how to process and channel it in healthy ways.
But because we live in a society that fears anger, we grow up thinking that this is the ONLY express of anger.
But it’s not.
As an adult, this is more akin to rage. Anger that’s out of control, fueled by an underlying hurt or wound, often one that’s been festering for years.
Anger isn’t the problem. The inability to process our anger and attend to the festering is.
What’s the purpose of anger?
Anger is a core emotion for a reason. It’s our personal power. It helps us set boundaries with ourselves and others, and stand up for what we believe in. It helps us say ‘no’ and maintain that ‘no’ when we need to.
And accordingly to the 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership, it also helps us “cut and release” things that no longer serve us: beliefs, processes, relationships, projects, and goals. It helps to “eliminate old ways of seeing the world…and destroy something that’s no longer sustainable.” Which sounds pretty intense, but the authors of that book remind us that “nature understands [that] destruction opens the possibility for new birth – when a wild fire burns a dead forest, the heat releases the seeds into newly created fertile soil.”
The problem is when we avoid anger, when it finally boils over it can destroy too much. The fire can burn too hot and it ‘cuts off’ without creating fertile soil for the new to grow.
The problem isn’t anger but what we do with it when we feel it.
Because anger doesn’t have to be hot and fiery to be effective. It can be calm, collected, focused, loving and strong. All the higher qualities of the body types.
There are a number of ways to process anger when it arises. But the key is to release it through the body. Jumping, screaming, boxing, shaking, throwing pillows, basically, you need to give the anger a way to breathe physically. And then sit with the learning it brings you.
What does the Enneagram teach us about anger?
Through the lens of the Enneagram, there are three main archetypal expressions of anger – express it, forget it or hide it – the body types Eight, Nine and One. Each type, more more accurately subtype, expresses anger in one of these ways. You’ll probably be able to guess which one you use most often.
Enneagram Eights
Type Eights express their anger more readily. When they feel the energy arising within in, it leads them to take action. Whether that’s to move towards a difficult conversation that needs to be had, to set a clear boundary with someone or to make a decision to what will be done and what won’t be done to keep things moving in a practical and effective way.
What’s interesting for Eights is that Anger doesn’t necessarily feel the same way as it does for other types. For Eights anger can just feel like energy, a direct guiding, life force kind of energy. Sure that energy can intimidate others, but Eights aren’t necessarily aware of the heat or intensity of anger, it simply feels like energy directing them to take action.
If you’re not an Eight, be inspired by how Eights let that energy arise within them without suffocating it or trying to shape it in some way. Just allowing it to be, to feel the power of it without fearing it.
For Eights, anger masks softer feelings like sadness and fear. Those feelings fuel the fire which creates drama in our relationships and everyday life. Eights need to learn to moderate their anger, to realise that instead of boxing they are playing basketball, or golf. They need to determine how much anger-energy they need before taking the shot.
Enneagram Nines
Nines go to sleep to their anger, trying to forget it’s there. But it’s absolutely there. And it shows up in the form of passive-resistant, passive-aggressive or stubborn behaviours. That translates to a range of real world behaviours, but includes smiling or implying they are on board with a decision but really having no intention of doing it or allowing that task to languish at the bottom of their to do list.
In addition to working slowly or procrastination, it can also include things like indecisiveness, complaining, avoiding eye contact or being sullen, sulky or moody.
Nines see their anger like a tap. It’s either full-on or full-off. When it’s full-off no one gets hurt. (Which isn’t true because passive-resistant behaviours create all sorts of drama in relationships.) And if it’s full-on, Nines believe it could be catastrophic. More than any other type, Nines truly appreciate the power of anger to destroy things.
Like Eights, Nines need to learn to moderate their anger. They need to learn how to turn the tap on, just a little at a time. Nines need to learn, as many of us do, is that clarity can create connection. That conflict doesn’t have to lead to separation, but can create the fertile soil a relationship needs to flourish.
Enneagram Ones
Finally Ones. One’s internalise their anger. Instead of expressing it directly or forgetting about it, they store it in their bodies. Which is why One’s can hold a lot of tension in their jaw, neck and back.
One’s convert their anger into something considered more acceptable. That might be politeness, giving detailed feedback, demanding, or taking on more responsibilities while stewing in resentment about it. This internalised anger also fuels the One’s harsh inner critic and desire to perfect themselves, teach the perfect way or perfect others.
While One’s do their best to hide their anger behind a polite smile, it’s often easy for those around them to see. From the critiques, smiling through gritted teeth and just the way they hold their bodies, it’s there to see.
If you internalise your anger, you might be more aware of when you get frustrated, irritated, snippy, mean, critical or judgmental of others. While you might not feel heat of anger, it might be what’s fueling your critical thoughts or comments.
As a development path, One’s need to practice connecting to anger they are actually experiencing and reminding themselves it’s okay, acceptable and perfect that they are feeling this right now.
With practice the One can start expressing that anger more directly, as well as connecting to the emotion that the anger might be masking, such as sadness, fear or happiness. And of course the One should always making time for play, pleasure, fun and indulgence.
Anger for each Enneagram Type
Each of the 9 types expresses anger in different ways, but the key is to learn what our patterns are. And we can be inspired by how other types express anger and learn from them.
Here are a few brief words to describe how each type experiences or expresses anger:
- Enneagram Eight: intense energy, quick, direct, excessive, fast, assertive
- Enneagram Nine: stubborn, passive-resistance, passive-aggressive, smiling, saying yes meaning no
- Enneagram One: tension, rightness, converting anger into a smile, critiquing, practical
- Enneagram Two: smiling, happy, resentment, hurt, rejected
- Enneagram Three: irritation, frustration, fast-paced, impatient, competition
- Enneagram Four: (depends on subtype), stoic, busy, quiet competition, specialness, demanding, high standards, guilt
- Enneagram Five: retreat, withdrawing, disconnecting from their body
- Enneagram Six: (depends on subtype) questioning, rigidity, devil’s advocate
- Enneagram Seven: practical, idealistic, charming, (may express more anger in personal relationships)
The problem isn’t anger, it’s what happens when we don’t feel safe to express it, or its the only way we can express our hurt and pain.
If you struggle to express your anger, here are some things to try:
- Take a martial arts class
- Take a friend to an axe throwing night
- Scream in the car or in a pillow
- Take a boxing class
- Put on some heavy metal music
If you’re an Eight and the intensity of anger comes too quickly at times, try an activity like basketball and trying to get the ball in the hoop from different distances. This can teach you how to rate your intensity to the situation, which in turn can help to moderate anger when it arises.
I hope that helps.