Have you ever noticed yourself doing something you’ve been trying to stop doing for years?
Maybe you keep having the same argument with your partner. You agree to things you don’t want to do. Or you find yourself getting defensive, shutting down, or trying to take control when things don’t go your way.
And afterwards, you can explain exactly what happened.
You know your Enneagram type. You understand the pattern. You might even know which part of your personality structure is responsible.
So why do you keep doing it?
One of the things I found most confusing when I first started learning about the Enneagram was how to actually do growth work.
There was all this talk about growth pathways, moving towards our higher qualities, and releasing our unconscious patterns. But much of it sounded conceptual. I understood what I was supposed to be working towards, but not necessarily how to get there.
I eventually learned by watching other people do their inner work, having people support me with mine, and practising. A lot.
And one thing I’ve learned is that we’re often so eager to change our patterns that we rush past the very thing that makes change possible: learning to observe them.
Not just recognising a pattern afterwards. But becoming aware of it while it’s happening, noticing what we’re thinking, feeling and experiencing in our bodies, without immediately reacting in our usual way.
Which is much harder than it sounds.
Knowing your pattern isn’t the same as observing it
Imagine you’re going to a family gathering.
You already know that Uncle Bob is going to bring up politics. He always does. And you know you’re going to get irritated because you always do.
You’ve spent enough time studying the Enneagram to recognise your reaction. Perhaps you can explain it through your type, subtype, passion or fixation.
But knowing you’re likely to get irritated doesn’t necessarily stop you from reacting.
Because what you’re anticipating isn’t just an uncomfortable conversation. It’s also the uncomfortable experience you’ll have inside yourself when that conversation happens.
Your jaw might tighten. Your stomach might churn. Your thoughts might become increasingly critical. You might feel an overwhelming urge to argue, leave the room, or make a joke to change the subject.
And before you know it, you’re caught in your familiar pattern.
This is where self-observation comes in.
Rather than focusing entirely on what Uncle Bob is saying, you begin to notice what’s happening inside you.
The tightening jaw. The irritated thoughts. The impulse to interrupt.
You’re starting to observe the pattern instead of simply being caught up in it.
And that creates the possibility of something different.
The four practices of Enneagram growth work
Beatrice Chestnut outlines three practices in The Complete Enneagram, but I find it useful to think about four:
- Self-reflection
- Self-observation
- Self-inquiry
- Self-development
They work together, and we move back and forth between them. But self-observation is particularly important because it helps us bring awareness into the moments when our patterns are actually operating.
Let me give you an example from my own life.
1. Self-reflection: Recognising a pattern
I love movies. But for years, I only wanted to watch new ones.
I loved action, adventure, fantasy and romantic comedies. Anything exciting, entertaining or likely to make me feel good.
I avoided movies that looked slow, frightening, depressing or emotionally uncomfortable.
And I thought rewatching a movie was a waste of time.
Looking back, I can recognise my Seven pattern quite clearly. I was using movies to escape reality and carefully managing what I wanted to feel.
That’s self-reflection. Looking back at our behaviour and recognising the patterns that have been operating.
It’s useful, but it isn’t the same as observing those patterns in real time.
2. Self-observation: Noticing the pattern as it happens
One day, I opened my movie app and started looking at films I’d been meaning to watch.
Casablanca. Raging Bull. Citizen Kane.
All wonderful films, by all accounts.
But as I considered watching them, I noticed an uncomfortable tingling sensation in my arms.
Almost immediately, a thought appeared: I’m not in the right mood for this. Let’s find something more fun.
Normally, I would have moved on without giving it another thought.
But this time I noticed the sensation, the thought, and the urge to escape the discomfort by choosing something else.
That’s self-observation.
Not trying to change anything yet. Just noticing what’s happening inside us as the pattern unfolds.
And sometimes, even that can feel overwhelming.
3. Self-inquiry: Getting curious about what’s underneath
Once I’d noticed my reaction, I could begin exploring it.
Why was I so reluctant to watch these films?
What was I afraid of feeling?
I noticed a whole collection of thoughts: They’ll drain me. I don’t know how they’ll make me feel. I don’t want to feel sad or uncomfortable.
Underneath all of that was my desire to control my emotional experience.
I wanted to choose a movie that would make me feel a particular way, even though I couldn’t possibly know how it would affect me.
And I was spending an enormous amount of time trying to avoid feelings that might never arise.
Self-inquiry helps us understand what our patterns are trying to achieve or protect us from, and what they might be costing us.
But this isn’t about interrogating ourselves until we find the right answer. It’s about getting curious, with compassion, about what’s really happening.
4. Self-development: Experimenting with something different
Once I could see the pattern more clearly, I could start experimenting.
Sometimes I simply pressed play rather than spending ages searching for the perfect film.
I started watching older movies, rewatching favourites, and giving films my full attention rather than multitasking.
And something interesting happened.
When I rewatched Pride & Prejudice, I noticed details and nuances I’d completely missed before. I was enjoying the film itself rather than using it to escape or manufacture a particular feeling.
But the point wasn’t to force myself to watch films I didn’t want to watch.
It was to discover that I had more choices available than my habitual pattern was allowing me to see.
That’s what self-development can look like. We experiment with responding differently, while continuing to observe what happens inside us.
Why we can’t always observe our patterns on our own
Now, choosing a movie is a relatively low-stakes situation.
It’s much harder to observe ourselves when we’re in the middle of an argument, feeling rejected, facing uncertainty, or dealing with something that touches a much deeper wound.
In those moments, our defensive patterns can take over before we’ve even realised we’re reacting.
And sometimes the uncomfortable feelings and sensations that arise are more than we’re currently able to stay with.
This is something I don’t think gets enough attention when we talk about Enneagram growth work.
We’re often encouraged to observe our patterns, sit with discomfort, or practise doing something different.
But what if we don’t yet have the capacity to do that?
What if noticing the pattern brings up so much emotion that we shut down, become overwhelmed, or fall straight back into our usual defence?
That’s not a failure of awareness or willingness.
It may mean we need more support, more inner resources, or a gentler way of working.
And it’s one reason I learned so much from watching other people do their inner work, and from having experienced teachers, coaches and other practitioners support me with mine.
Sometimes we need another person to help us see what we can’t yet see ourselves. Or to help us stay present with an uncomfortable experience long enough to discover something new.
We also need to build our own inner resources: the ability to recognise when we’re becoming overwhelmed, to ground ourselves, to regulate our reactions, and to know when we need to pause.
Growth work isn’t about pushing ourselves beyond our capacity. It’s about gradually expanding that capacity, with enough safety and support to make the work possible.
Learning more isn’t necessarily changing more
There’s a useful distinction in adult development between horizontal and vertical growth.
Horizontal development is about acquiring knowledge and skills. We might learn more about the Enneagram, improve our communication skills, or discover new ways to manage conflict.
All of that is valuable.
Vertical development is about expanding our capacity to handle complexity, uncertainty, uncomfortable emotions, and experiences that challenge our existing way of seeing the world.
And this is where Enneagram growth work becomes particularly interesting.
You might learn a brilliant new approach to having difficult conversations. But if you become so overwhelmed by criticism that you can’t stay present when someone disagrees with you, you may struggle to use that skill.
You don’t necessarily need another communication technique.
You might need to work with the unconscious pattern that makes disagreement feel so threatening.
That’s why knowledge alone isn’t enough.
We need opportunities to observe our patterns, understand what they’re protecting, and practise staying present with experiences we’ve habitually avoided.
So where do you begin?
I’d suggest starting with one small, recurring pattern.
Not your most painful relationship or the biggest challenge in your life. Choose something manageable, where you have enough capacity to stay curious.
Perhaps it’s how you react when someone interrupts you, when plans change unexpectedly, or when you have to make a decision without knowing how things will turn out.
Start by reflecting on what usually happens.
Then, the next time you’re in that situation, see what you can notice.
What thoughts appear? What emotions arise? What’s happening in your body? What do you feel compelled to do?
You don’t have to stop the reaction or behave differently.
Just notice what you can.
And afterwards, get curious about what the pattern was trying to help you achieve or avoid.
Over time, you might experiment with a slightly different response. Or you might realise you need more support before you’re ready to do that.
Both are useful discoveries.
Because growth work isn’t about forcing ourselves to become a better version of our type.
It’s about gradually becoming less dependent on the unconscious strategies we’ve developed to protect ourselves.
And that begins with learning to see those strategies in action.
Before we can change a pattern, we need to be able to observe it. And before we can stay with what we’re observing, we may need to build the capacity and support to do so.
That’s the step we so often rush past.