What if your attempts to become a better version of yourself are actually making your personality patterns stronger?
It’s a strange possibility, isn’t it? That something we’re doing with the intention of growing could be keeping us stuck.
But I’ve come to realise that our unconscious personality strategies are remarkably good at turning almost anything into another way of protecting us. Including our personal development.
A One can become more disciplined. A Three can become more successful. A Seven can become more optimistic.
And from the outside, that can look like growth.
But what if the One is becoming more self-critical, the Three more dependent on achievement, and the Seven less able to acknowledge their pain?
They’re improving at something. But are they becoming any freer?
Because there’s a difference between becoming better at using our personality strategies and becoming less dependent on them.
And sometimes, without realising it, our attempts at self-improvement can reinforce the very patterns we’re trying to change.
The difference between improving and developing
We live in a culture that encourages us to constantly improve ourselves.
Be smarter, faster, stronger, more productive, more confident, more mindful. Be more. Be less. And preferably by next Tuesday.
And there’s nothing inherently wrong with learning new skills, developing better habits, or becoming more effective.
The problem arises when we use those improvements to avoid something uncomfortable within ourselves.
I know I’ve done this.
A couple of years ago, I was struggling with the prospect of running a successful coaching business. So I did what came naturally. I looked for solutions.
I bought resources, learned new business skills, and worked on becoming more capable and confident.
And all of that was useful. I genuinely needed those skills.
But there was something I wasn’t doing.
I wasn’t talking about the fear underneath it all. The possibility that I might not be cut out to run a successful life coaching business.
Learning more about business was much more comfortable than admitting how scared I was.
Eventually, I realised that no amount of business training was going to resolve that fear for me. I needed to stop looking for another solution and have a conversation I’d been avoiding.
So I booked a session with a therapist.
The business training wasn’t the problem. I was using it, in part, to avoid something I didn’t want to face.
And we can do exactly the same thing with the Enneagram.
How each Enneagram type can turn growth into another defence
One of the fascinating things about our personality structures is how readily they can incorporate new knowledge and skills into their existing strategies.
We might become more competent, more accomplished, or even more self-aware, while remaining just as dependent on the unconscious patterns we’re trying to change.
Here’s what that can look like for each type.
Type One: Becomes more disciplined, ethical and self-correcting, but also more critical of themselves and others. Growth becomes another standard they have to live up to.
Type Two: Becomes even better at supporting and understanding others, while continuing to overlook their own needs. Growth makes them more indispensable.
Type Three: Becomes more productive, confident and accomplished, while becoming even more invested in appearing successful. Personal development becomes another achievement.
Type Four: Becomes increasingly sophisticated in understanding their emotional world, while reinforcing their sense of being different or misunderstood. Growth becomes another expression of their unique identity.
Type Five: Accumulates more knowledge, frameworks and understanding, while becoming less willing to engage with the messiness of direct experience. Growth stays safely intellectual.
Type Six: Becomes more informed, prepared and skilled at anticipating problems, while reinforcing their dependence on certainty and reassurance. Growth becomes another way to manage anxiety.
Type Seven: Becomes more optimistic, resourceful and skilled at reframing difficulties, while becoming even less willing to acknowledge pain or limitation. Growth becomes another way to feel good.
Type Eight: Becomes stronger, more independent and more capable of handling challenges, while becoming less willing to acknowledge vulnerability or accept support. Growth reinforces self-reliance.
Type Nine: Becomes calmer, more accepting and better at maintaining harmony, while continuing to avoid conflict and suppress their own priorities. Growth becomes another way to keep the peace.
None of these qualities is inherently a problem.
Discipline, generosity, competence, emotional awareness, knowledge, preparation, optimism, strength and acceptance are all valuable.
But when we’re developing them primarily to reinforce our existing defences, we’re not necessarily becoming less dependent on those defences.
We’re just getting better at using them.
It’s not just what we’re doing. It’s why we’re doing it.
This is why I think we need to be careful about approaching the Enneagram with a self-improvement mindset.
We can take perfectly good development advice and turn it into another way of meeting the expectations we’ve placed on ourselves.
A One might approach growth as another opportunity to correct their imperfections. A Three might try to become the most self-aware person in the room. And a Seven might approach inner work as a way to ensure they never feel unhappy again.
The practices themselves aren’t necessarily wrong. But our motivation can change what we get from them.
For me, the distinction is between trying to become a more acceptable, capable or impressive version of ourselves, and becoming more aware of the unconscious strategies that shape how we live.
Self-development isn’t about becoming better at being our type.
It’s about becoming less constrained by it.
How can you tell the difference?
I’d start by getting curious about what you’re hoping your personal development will achieve.
Are you trying to become more confident because you want to express yourself more freely, or because you can’t bear the possibility of others seeing your insecurity?
Are you learning to be more productive because it serves something meaningful to you, or because you feel unacceptable when you’re not achieving?
Are you practising acceptance because you’re learning to stay present with life, or because you don’t want to acknowledge your anger?
Sometimes the answer will be a bit of both.
And that’s okay. We don’t need perfectly pure motivations to grow.
But we do need to become more aware of what’s driving us.
Because the same activity can either reinforce our habitual strategies or help us become less dependent on them.
What are you trying to avoid?
The next time you find yourself searching for another book, course, practice or technique to improve yourself, try asking a different question.
Instead of How can I become better at this?, ask:
What am I hoping this improvement will help me avoid?
Perhaps it’s criticism, rejection, failure, uncertainty, vulnerability, or the uncomfortable feeling that you’re not enough as you are.
You don’t need to abandon your plans or stop developing your skills.
And sometimes you’ll discover that developing those skills is exactly what you need.
But you might also discover that something else needs your attention.
Something that can’t be resolved by becoming more capable, more knowledgeable or more accomplished.
Because the challenge isn’t always that we lack the skills to do something differently.
Sometimes it’s that we’re using those skills to protect ourselves from an experience we don’t want to have.
And the most important growth work may not be becoming better at something, but becoming less afraid of what happens when we’re not.