Have you ever found yourself facing a problem that you just can’t seem to solve?
You’ve thought about it from every angle. You’ve tried different approaches. You’ve drawn on the skills and experience that have helped you navigate difficult situations before.
But nothing seems to work.
Perhaps you’re having the same argument with your partner, struggling to make an important career decision, or feeling increasingly frustrated with someone at work.
And the harder you try to resolve it, the more stuck you feel.
I think one of the interesting things about our Enneagram patterns is that the strategies that make us capable and effective in some areas of life can be the very things that keep us stuck in others.
We’re so accustomed to relying on our particular strengths that we don’t always recognise when they’ve reached their limits.
When I finally asked for help
I remember the day I finally decided I needed a therapist.
I was terrified.
I’d spent years trying to manage my emotional pain on my own, but I was carrying grief that I simply didn’t have the capacity to sit with.
I knew I couldn’t keep going as I was.
But admitting that I needed help, and then actually reaching out to someone, felt almost impossible.
Eventually, I asked a friend for a recommendation. That small step helped me find a therapist I trusted, and together we did some transformative work.
Looking back, I can see how my Seven patterns had contributed to the difficulty.
As a Seven, I was very good at finding possibilities, thinking my way around problems, and discovering something positive in difficult experiences.
Those abilities had helped me through many challenging situations.
But they were much less useful when what I needed was to acknowledge my suffering and stay with feelings I had spent years avoiding.
I couldn’t think my way out of the grief.
And trying harder to use the strategies I already had wasn’t helping.
I needed support to develop capacities I hadn’t yet learned.
Our strengths have limits
Every Enneagram type develops particular ways of navigating the world.
We become skilled at noticing certain things, responding to particular problems, and using strategies that help us feel safe, capable or connected.
And those strategies can become genuine strengths.
But because they’re so familiar, we can start relying on them for almost everything.
For example, someone who’s excellent at anticipating problems might respond to uncertainty by gathering more information, considering every possible risk, and preparing for different outcomes.
That’s a valuable skill.
But what happens when the problem requires them to make a decision without knowing exactly how things will turn out?
More preparation might not help.
Or consider someone who’s good at keeping relationships harmonious.
They know how to understand different perspectives, calm difficult situations, and help people find common ground.
But what happens when they need to disagree with someone they love?
Trying harder to keep everyone happy might make the problem worse.
And someone who’s capable, independent and accustomed to solving problems might find themselves increasingly overwhelmed because they can’t recognise when they need support.
It’s not that these strengths are wrong. It’s that no single way of approaching life can meet every situation we encounter.
Eventually, we all face problems that require something different from what comes naturally to us.
Why we can’t always see what’s keeping us stuck
One of the challenges of our Enneagram patterns is that they shape more than our behaviour.
They influence what we pay attention to, how we interpret what’s happening, what feels threatening, and which solutions we consider possible.
So when our familiar approach stops working, we don’t necessarily recognise that we need something different.
We might assume we haven’t tried hard enough.
Perhaps we need more information, better communication skills, a clearer plan, or more discipline.
And sometimes we do.
But sometimes the problem is that we’re trying to solve something using the very strategy that’s contributing to it.
For example, someone might know exactly how to set a boundary at work but find themselves unable to say no to a family member.
They don’t necessarily need another lesson in boundary setting.
They may need to understand the guilt, fear or vulnerability that arises when they imagine disappointing that person.
Or someone might understand why they avoid difficult conversations, but still feel an overwhelming urge to escape when a disagreement begins.
More intellectual insight isn’t necessarily going to change that automatic reaction.
They may need to develop the capacity to stay present with the discomfort.
This is where the Enneagram becomes particularly useful.
It helps us investigate not just what we’re doing, but what our protective patterns are trying to prevent us from experiencing.
Why another person can help us see differently
I think this is one of the reasons coaching, therapy and other forms of supported inner work can be so valuable.
Someone else can help us notice the assumptions we’re making, the feelings we’re avoiding, and the strategies we keep returning to.
Not because they necessarily know us better than we know ourselves.
But because they’re not looking at the situation through exactly the same protective patterns.
They can ask questions we haven’t thought to ask.
They can help us slow down when we want to rush towards a solution, or explore an uncomfortable experience we’ve been trying to explain away.
And they can provide support as we experiment with ways of responding that don’t yet feel familiar.
Sometimes this involves healing old experiences that make a particular response feel threatening.
Other times, it’s about practising new skills and developing the capacity to tolerate discomfort.
Often, we need both.
The important thing is that the work is collaborative. A practitioner can offer perspective, challenge and support, but the aim is to strengthen our own capacity to understand ourselves and make choices.
What might you need to do differently?
If you’re facing a problem that you can’t seem to resolve, I’d invite you to get curious about how you’re approaching it.
Perhaps start with these questions:
- What am I already good at? Which strengths and strategies have helped me navigate similar situations in the past?
- How might those strengths be limiting me here? Am I relying on a familiar approach that isn’t meeting the needs of this situation?
- What feels particularly uncomfortable about doing something differently? Is there a feeling, belief or fear that I haven’t yet explored?
- What support might help? Do I need another perspective, an opportunity to practise, or someone to help me work with something I’m not ready to face alone?
You don’t need to abandon the strengths you’ve spent your life developing.
They’re valuable parts of who you are.
But as we grow, we need to become more flexible in how we use them, recognising when they’re helpful and when something else is required.
Because the aim of Enneagram growth work isn’t to become better and better at being our type. It’s to develop the freedom to respond to life in ways our familiar personality patterns haven’t always allowed.